VERN:
Where the hell were you last night?
SAM:
Portia and I went to the new winery for a tasting and we stopped in town for dinner.
VERN:
What new winery?
SAM:
The one in Egypt Valley.
NANNY:
Why didn't you bring Portia here for dinner?
HOOT:
Wait, wait, there's an Egypt Valley around here?
SAM:
It was too late to come here for dinner and Egypt Valley is near the interstate, not really nearby.
NANNY:
I like Portia, it would be nice if you invited her to come here more often.
VERN:
How was the wine?
SAM:
Part of their vineyard is unusually located, the soils and rapid run-off of precipitation create favorable conditions for some of the hardy disease resistant French-American varieties that produce wines similar to those of the older European vinifera varieties.
VERN:
What did he say?
NANNY:
He said he liked the wine. Weren't you listening?
SAM:
I'll invite Portia for dinner, I think Hoot would like her.
HOOT:
I don't believe it, we really do live beyond friggin Egypt.
Monday, April 21, 2008
Sunday, April 20, 2008
Meeting Anton
While Hoot's boyfriend has become practically family over the months they've been dating, the first time Sam, Vern and Nanny met him sparked quite a conversation:
SAM:
She'll be walking in the door any minute Vern, I really don't think you should mention the boyfriend. Girls at this age are very sensitive.
HOOT:
Hi everybody! What are you all doing up?
VERN:
Hoot, what the hell was with that boy tonight?
HOOT:
Anton? Oh he's goth, so creative. Didn't you think he was cool?
NANNY:
He had calico hair. I didn't know people could be calico.
VERN:
What does Anton do when it's cold? He couldn't button his damn shirt with all those chains!
HOOT:
The chains come off, Vern. Jeez.
VERN:
In the army we used chains to hold things down. Were those chains holding Anton's head on?
NANNY:
Calico cats are all female, I just don't know?
HOOT:
Nanny! Don't be so lame, he dyes his hair!
VERN:
With that chain hooked from his ear to his belly button, one sneeze would rip that boys ears right off.
NANNY
Hair dye? He's too young to have grey hair. Does he have some condition with his eyes?
HOOT
No Nanny! That's not a condition it's eyeliner. Don't you people have anything else to talk about?
VERN
I didn't look at Anton's eyes, all I saw was rings and chains, ghost white skin and black everything else. That was...
NANNY
...right strange Vern, that boy looks like something out of one of them spook movies. Does he dress like that for school? I can't believe he would be allowed to dress that way for school.
HOOT
I can't believe this! Sam, are you just going to sit there, or do you have some nasty comment to contribute?
VERN
Yeah, go ahead Sam, tell her that she's dating a freak of nature. Never see that kind of nonsense in THIS man's army.
NANNY
Now, Vernon, freak is a little harsh.
SAM
Actually, Hoot, I feel that Anton is a, perhaps extreme, example of various ongoing societal phenomena, a consequence of a subconscious awareness of the lack of venues for creative self-expression and of peer group pressure to conform. It's unfortunate that rebellion is so often stereotypical too, it's Ecclesiastical. The Goth subculture is quite interesting, growing and evolving from the post Punk subculture in the United Kingdom.
VERN
WHAT did he say?
HOOT
He said: of all the freaking people in all the freaking subcultures of the world, Army Dude, YOU most of all should recognize a fellow rebel when you meet one.
VERN
Where the hell does Anton buy that stuff?
HOOT
I just hope you know that you all suck.
Friday, April 18, 2008
Vern Takes the Twins for a Ride
HOOT:
Why did you get a ticket?
NANNY:
It's my fault, I told Vern he needed some spring spirit.
SAM:
Vern's never been too excited about the change in seasons.
VERN:
I didn't need no damn spring spirit, I was just fine.
NANNY:
Well you just don't seem happy like a person should. The sun is finally shining, the snow has all melted and you're all gloomy.
VERN:
NOW I have a reason to be gloomy.
HOOT:
But why did you get a ticket?
NANNY:
Vern took Jack and Jake with him in the flatbed to get a rhododendron bush for that bare corner by the barn...
HOOT:
What happened to Jack and Jake!
VERN:
Jack and Jake are just fine, nothing happened to no one; cept me, I got a ticket cause the twins wasn't in car seats.
HOOT:
Judy has car seats for them.
VERN:
There's no good way to put them seats in that old truck. I figured if I was gonna have to rig a way to put the seats in I might as well rig a way to fasten in Jack and Jake.
HOOT:
Car seats are made to hold children.
VERN:
I didn't need no damn car seats! I got bungee cords. I told Joey them bungee cords was just as good as car seats. He said the twins could get outta the bungee cords so I told him to try. He couldn't get'em out and then he said maybe that was even more dangerous and wrote out a ticket.
SAM:
The momentum of child in a vehicle traveling at 30 mph is considerable. The effects of a sudden stop are comparable to falling from a three-story building. The consequent injuries can be cranial trauma, permanent debilitating brain injury, even epilepsy.
VERN:
What did he say?
NANNY:
He said next time use the car seats.
VERN:
I still think it's damn stupid, they're three years old, they shouldn't need no baby seats and them boys couldn't a been any safer. That old truck's built as good as a Humvee and rides nicer.
HOOT:
The law is the law Uncle Vern.
VERN:
I'm probably gonna have to pay two fines cause there's two of'em.
Why did you get a ticket?
NANNY:
It's my fault, I told Vern he needed some spring spirit.
SAM:
Vern's never been too excited about the change in seasons.
VERN:
I didn't need no damn spring spirit, I was just fine.
NANNY:
Well you just don't seem happy like a person should. The sun is finally shining, the snow has all melted and you're all gloomy.
VERN:
NOW I have a reason to be gloomy.
HOOT:
But why did you get a ticket?
NANNY:
Vern took Jack and Jake with him in the flatbed to get a rhododendron bush for that bare corner by the barn...
HOOT:
What happened to Jack and Jake!
VERN:
Jack and Jake are just fine, nothing happened to no one; cept me, I got a ticket cause the twins wasn't in car seats.
HOOT:
Judy has car seats for them.
VERN:
There's no good way to put them seats in that old truck. I figured if I was gonna have to rig a way to put the seats in I might as well rig a way to fasten in Jack and Jake.
HOOT:
Car seats are made to hold children.
VERN:
I didn't need no damn car seats! I got bungee cords. I told Joey them bungee cords was just as good as car seats. He said the twins could get outta the bungee cords so I told him to try. He couldn't get'em out and then he said maybe that was even more dangerous and wrote out a ticket.
SAM:
The momentum of child in a vehicle traveling at 30 mph is considerable. The effects of a sudden stop are comparable to falling from a three-story building. The consequent injuries can be cranial trauma, permanent debilitating brain injury, even epilepsy.
VERN:
What did he say?
NANNY:
He said next time use the car seats.
VERN:
I still think it's damn stupid, they're three years old, they shouldn't need no baby seats and them boys couldn't a been any safer. That old truck's built as good as a Humvee and rides nicer.
HOOT:
The law is the law Uncle Vern.
VERN:
I'm probably gonna have to pay two fines cause there's two of'em.
Thursday, April 17, 2008
Unhappy Hour
HOOT
An Unhappy Hour? Why is The Legion having an Unhappy Hour down at Donnie's?
ANTON
All of the hours are unhappy.
VERN
At first, we was doing it at The Legion to raise money to pay a lawyer cause me and some of the guys tossed that Gary out the window at Donnie's.
HOOT
But Nanny said those charges were dropped.
VERN
Yup.
HOOT
So why are you having it?
VERN
Cause that weaselly faced, pencil...
NANNY
Vernon! Enough!
VERN
...Gary came and inspected The Legion and said the septic wasn't good enough and has to be replaced.
ANTON
Life is all about shit.
VERN
Yes it is. Then he ordered The Legion shut down.
ANTON
Thus The Legion guys are Unhappy.
HOOT
Thus? You've been hanging out with Sam too much Anton.
NANNY
You boys have nobody to blame but yourselves. I'm sure Gary would have turned a blind eye to that old septic tank if you hadn't TOSSED HIM IN THE BUSHES!
VERN
Not our fault the little weasel can't take a joke. Anyhow, we need to raise enough money to put in a new septic system.
HOOT
I don't understand why Donnie would help, doesn't The Legion compete with his bar?
VERN
That's true! I wonder why is Donnie helping?
ANTON
Cause there are lots more people at Donnie's when you and your guys aren't there Vern.
An Unhappy Hour? Why is The Legion having an Unhappy Hour down at Donnie's?
ANTON
All of the hours are unhappy.
VERN
At first, we was doing it at The Legion to raise money to pay a lawyer cause me and some of the guys tossed that Gary out the window at Donnie's.
HOOT
But Nanny said those charges were dropped.
VERN
Yup.
HOOT
So why are you having it?
VERN
Cause that weaselly faced, pencil...
NANNY
Vernon! Enough!
VERN
...Gary came and inspected The Legion and said the septic wasn't good enough and has to be replaced.
ANTON
Life is all about shit.
VERN
Yes it is. Then he ordered The Legion shut down.
ANTON
Thus The Legion guys are Unhappy.
HOOT
Thus? You've been hanging out with Sam too much Anton.
NANNY
You boys have nobody to blame but yourselves. I'm sure Gary would have turned a blind eye to that old septic tank if you hadn't TOSSED HIM IN THE BUSHES!
VERN
Not our fault the little weasel can't take a joke. Anyhow, we need to raise enough money to put in a new septic system.
HOOT
I don't understand why Donnie would help, doesn't The Legion compete with his bar?
VERN
That's true! I wonder why is Donnie helping?
ANTON
Cause there are lots more people at Donnie's when you and your guys aren't there Vern.
Wednesday, April 16, 2008
Butt Out!
Not everyone was thrilled with the passage of Ohio's anti-smoking law. Even with the issue voted in there weren't many people who understood the new law or how to enforce it so law or no law, nothing much changed for Vern and his buddies until this weekend....
NANNY:
Land sakes, Vernon, I can't believe you haven't finished sewing your wild oats yet. I don't know how I'll ever show my face at the ladies auxiliary again. They was all a twitter about you fightin and hollerin and making a nuisance out of yourself at Donnie's last night.
VERN:
We wasn't sowing wild oats, we was exercising our right to pursue happiness. When ya can't smoke in a bar, there's something terrible wrong with the world.
NANNY:
Smoking is a filthy habit Vernon. It makes your breath smell and its addictive. Apparently you and your boys still think you're above the law! Bunch of hooligans.
VERN:
What the hell is all the commotion about smoking anyway? First we can't find any ash trays at the bar, then Donnie tells us we gotta smoke outside or he's gonna get fined. We smoke at the Legion all the time and nobodies cryin like a girl about fines.
SAM:
The Health Department started to enforce the smoking in public buildings ban. Since the Legion is a private club, it doesn't fall under the same rules as Donnie's. What happened last night?
NANNY:
Disgusting habit. Pappy tried to bring his cigars in the house once. I told him he could get that filthy weed right back onto the porch or there'd be no supper for him.
VERN:
Me and the boys had just settled Donnie down by taken up a collection to pay his fine. Brandi delivered our four foaming beers, we lit up and settled in for a good ole night of problem solvin and then that weasly faced, pencil necked, Gary Sinkletank from the Health Department marched himself over to our table.
NANNY:
I don't like to breath other people's cigarette smoke, I'm sure Gary don't like it either!
SAM:
What were you doing at Donnie's anyway, don't you guys usually do your "problem solving" over at the Legion?
VERN:
Water line broke at the Legion and it ain't fixed yet. I told 'em to let me do it but they said it had to be a professional job.
SAM:
So what happened? How'd you guys get rid of Gary?
VERN:
We tried ignorin him, but he kept on shakin that finger at us and then he started yellin in that girly falsetto voice of his "That's $100, I'm fining you for every puff, $200, $300..." He just kept gettin louder and louder then Buck caught sight of Donnie twitchin and shakin behind the bar, they's cousins you know, and we couldn't take no more. Me and Itchy picked him up and tossed him out the winder.
SAM:
Vern! That's assault!
VERN:
No it aint, Jigger opened the winder up first. Weasel face landed on the nice soft bushes right outside.
NANNY:
Shame on you and your wicked friends Vernon McFadden. Gary aint no bigger than a minute to begin with and now you've embarrassed him over a filthy, nasty habit you shouldn't have in the first place. Don't think I can't see you smokin over by the playground between Sunday School and Church, right in front of innocent children.
VERN:
Hey, now! I could quit smokin any time I wanted to and if its so bad how come they issued us cigarettes in the Army?
SAM:
Tobacco smoke contains nicotine, an addictive substance. And a lot of other dangerous chemicals like formaldehyde and hydrogen cyanide. And smoking causes or is suspect in a lot of other diseases and health problems such as lung cancer, other lung conditions, heart disease and other conditions of the veins increasing the risk of heart attacks and strokes. There is evidence that it can cause osteoporosis and other cancers. And these conditions can be caused by second hand smoke. Children of smokers are more likely to be smokers too. I read that several trillion cigarette butts are littered worldwide every year. In fact, cigarettes are the most littered item in America. And I believe that cigarette filters are made of cellulose acetate, so they can take decades to degrade.
NANNY:
Now Sam, That's what I said.
NANNY:
Land sakes, Vernon, I can't believe you haven't finished sewing your wild oats yet. I don't know how I'll ever show my face at the ladies auxiliary again. They was all a twitter about you fightin and hollerin and making a nuisance out of yourself at Donnie's last night.
VERN:
We wasn't sowing wild oats, we was exercising our right to pursue happiness. When ya can't smoke in a bar, there's something terrible wrong with the world.
NANNY:
Smoking is a filthy habit Vernon. It makes your breath smell and its addictive. Apparently you and your boys still think you're above the law! Bunch of hooligans.
VERN:
What the hell is all the commotion about smoking anyway? First we can't find any ash trays at the bar, then Donnie tells us we gotta smoke outside or he's gonna get fined. We smoke at the Legion all the time and nobodies cryin like a girl about fines.
SAM:
The Health Department started to enforce the smoking in public buildings ban. Since the Legion is a private club, it doesn't fall under the same rules as Donnie's. What happened last night?
NANNY:
Disgusting habit. Pappy tried to bring his cigars in the house once. I told him he could get that filthy weed right back onto the porch or there'd be no supper for him.
VERN:
Me and the boys had just settled Donnie down by taken up a collection to pay his fine. Brandi delivered our four foaming beers, we lit up and settled in for a good ole night of problem solvin and then that weasly faced, pencil necked, Gary Sinkletank from the Health Department marched himself over to our table.
NANNY:
I don't like to breath other people's cigarette smoke, I'm sure Gary don't like it either!
SAM:
What were you doing at Donnie's anyway, don't you guys usually do your "problem solving" over at the Legion?
VERN:
Water line broke at the Legion and it ain't fixed yet. I told 'em to let me do it but they said it had to be a professional job.
SAM:
So what happened? How'd you guys get rid of Gary?
VERN:
We tried ignorin him, but he kept on shakin that finger at us and then he started yellin in that girly falsetto voice of his "That's $100, I'm fining you for every puff, $200, $300..." He just kept gettin louder and louder then Buck caught sight of Donnie twitchin and shakin behind the bar, they's cousins you know, and we couldn't take no more. Me and Itchy picked him up and tossed him out the winder.
SAM:
Vern! That's assault!
VERN:
No it aint, Jigger opened the winder up first. Weasel face landed on the nice soft bushes right outside.
NANNY:
Shame on you and your wicked friends Vernon McFadden. Gary aint no bigger than a minute to begin with and now you've embarrassed him over a filthy, nasty habit you shouldn't have in the first place. Don't think I can't see you smokin over by the playground between Sunday School and Church, right in front of innocent children.
VERN:
Hey, now! I could quit smokin any time I wanted to and if its so bad how come they issued us cigarettes in the Army?
SAM:
Tobacco smoke contains nicotine, an addictive substance. And a lot of other dangerous chemicals like formaldehyde and hydrogen cyanide. And smoking causes or is suspect in a lot of other diseases and health problems such as lung cancer, other lung conditions, heart disease and other conditions of the veins increasing the risk of heart attacks and strokes. There is evidence that it can cause osteoporosis and other cancers. And these conditions can be caused by second hand smoke. Children of smokers are more likely to be smokers too. I read that several trillion cigarette butts are littered worldwide every year. In fact, cigarettes are the most littered item in America. And I believe that cigarette filters are made of cellulose acetate, so they can take decades to degrade.
NANNY:
Now Sam, That's what I said.
Monday, January 28, 2008
Cell Phones on The Farm
SAM - I decided, Hoot needs a cell phone.
HOOT - I do need a cell phone.
NANNY - Why does Hoot need a cell phone?
SAM - She's out more since Anton started driving and I thought it was important for us to be able to contact her and so that she can call us if she has to.
HOOT - And everyone has cell phones, I can talk to all of my friends whenever I want.
VERN - Yeah, but that means all of your friends can talk to you whenever they want, what if you don't want to talk with them?
HOOT - There's caller ID on cell phones, I can see who's calling and not answer.
VERN - Then they can see when you're calling and not answer.
HOOT - They will answer when I call.
VERN - But what if they don't.
HOOT - Because maybe they can't answer just then.
NANNY - Stop bickering! Hoot, Vern's just looking to aggravate you. I think that's a wonderful idea Sam.
SAM - So I did some research.
VERN - Of course.
SAM - Research is generally better than impulse Vern. Consideration had to be given to the distance from the various cell towers in relation to our location here on the farm. There was the base price of each phone versus each companies single, double or group plans. Minutes used versus a flat or variable rate. The necesity for various features like text messaging, caller ID, photo capabilities as compared to the needs of each of the various users. Thus, I bought a plan that seems to work best around here.
VERN - What did he say?
HOOT - He shopped around and found some phones. When do I get my phone?
SAM - In just a moment.
HOOT - You have it now? Give it to me.
SAM - Yes I have it now, let me finish explaining.
HOOT - What's there to explain?
SAM - I guess you're right, there's nothing to explain except that I got four of them, one for each of us.
VERN - I don't need a cell phone Sam.
NANNY - I don't know what I would do with one either. Save the money and take mine back.
SAM - They didn't cost anything, I bought one and got three more free.
HOOT - OK, that's enough explaining, I need one, so just give me my phone. I can't wait to call Anton.
HOOT - I do need a cell phone.
NANNY - Why does Hoot need a cell phone?
SAM - She's out more since Anton started driving and I thought it was important for us to be able to contact her and so that she can call us if she has to.
HOOT - And everyone has cell phones, I can talk to all of my friends whenever I want.
VERN - Yeah, but that means all of your friends can talk to you whenever they want, what if you don't want to talk with them?
HOOT - There's caller ID on cell phones, I can see who's calling and not answer.
VERN - Then they can see when you're calling and not answer.
HOOT - They will answer when I call.
VERN - But what if they don't.
HOOT - Because maybe they can't answer just then.
NANNY - Stop bickering! Hoot, Vern's just looking to aggravate you. I think that's a wonderful idea Sam.
SAM - So I did some research.
VERN - Of course.
SAM - Research is generally better than impulse Vern. Consideration had to be given to the distance from the various cell towers in relation to our location here on the farm. There was the base price of each phone versus each companies single, double or group plans. Minutes used versus a flat or variable rate. The necesity for various features like text messaging, caller ID, photo capabilities as compared to the needs of each of the various users. Thus, I bought a plan that seems to work best around here.
VERN - What did he say?
HOOT - He shopped around and found some phones. When do I get my phone?
SAM - In just a moment.
HOOT - You have it now? Give it to me.
SAM - Yes I have it now, let me finish explaining.
HOOT - What's there to explain?
SAM - I guess you're right, there's nothing to explain except that I got four of them, one for each of us.
VERN - I don't need a cell phone Sam.
NANNY - I don't know what I would do with one either. Save the money and take mine back.
SAM - They didn't cost anything, I bought one and got three more free.
HOOT - OK, that's enough explaining, I need one, so just give me my phone. I can't wait to call Anton.
Sunday, January 27, 2008
Sleep Debt
VERN - What the hell is a sleep debt?
HOOT - It's when you don't get enough sleep over a long time.
VERN - So what's Anton been doing that he isn't sleeping?
HOOT - He's been chatting on his computer until late every night and his Mom gets him up early.
NANNY - When did Anton get a computer that can talk?
HOOT - No, it's like a telephone on the computer but you type messages instead of talking.
NANNY - Well that seems like it would take a forever, why not just use the telephone?
HOOT - Because you don't have to pay long distance to chat on the computer.
VERN - So who does Anton chat with?
HOOT - With me a lot until I go to bed and he's made friends all over the world.
NANNY - Well, if he's chatting with you it wouldn't be long distance to call. It certainly makes more sense for him to use the telephone.
HOOT - But he can chat with many people at the same time.
VERN - Boy needs to chat less and sleep more. Why the hell does he chat with you? He sees you every day at school and he's here every day too.
SAM - There's considerable debate among scientists about sleep debt. I believe it exists. Most people think that when you miss an hour of sleep all you have to do is sleep an extra hour another time. However, for each hour of lost sleep there's another hour of wakefulness. One actually has to sleep about an hour and twenty minutes to an hour and thirty minutes for each hour of lost sleep. Thus, one who routinely sleeps just six hours a night during the week and requires eight hours should probably sleep twelve to fourteen hours a night on the weekends. Further, someone with a long standing chronic habit of sleeping too few hours may need to take a vacation to get enough extra sleep to repay their sleep debt.
VERN - What did he say?
HOOT - He said leave Anton alone, it's OK if he takes a nap in the TV room.
HOOT - It's when you don't get enough sleep over a long time.
VERN - So what's Anton been doing that he isn't sleeping?
HOOT - He's been chatting on his computer until late every night and his Mom gets him up early.
NANNY - When did Anton get a computer that can talk?
HOOT - No, it's like a telephone on the computer but you type messages instead of talking.
NANNY - Well that seems like it would take a forever, why not just use the telephone?
HOOT - Because you don't have to pay long distance to chat on the computer.
VERN - So who does Anton chat with?
HOOT - With me a lot until I go to bed and he's made friends all over the world.
NANNY - Well, if he's chatting with you it wouldn't be long distance to call. It certainly makes more sense for him to use the telephone.
HOOT - But he can chat with many people at the same time.
VERN - Boy needs to chat less and sleep more. Why the hell does he chat with you? He sees you every day at school and he's here every day too.
SAM - There's considerable debate among scientists about sleep debt. I believe it exists. Most people think that when you miss an hour of sleep all you have to do is sleep an extra hour another time. However, for each hour of lost sleep there's another hour of wakefulness. One actually has to sleep about an hour and twenty minutes to an hour and thirty minutes for each hour of lost sleep. Thus, one who routinely sleeps just six hours a night during the week and requires eight hours should probably sleep twelve to fourteen hours a night on the weekends. Further, someone with a long standing chronic habit of sleeping too few hours may need to take a vacation to get enough extra sleep to repay their sleep debt.
VERN - What did he say?
HOOT - He said leave Anton alone, it's OK if he takes a nap in the TV room.
Saturday, January 26, 2008
You Gettin' Lippy?
VERN: What the hell is lip augmentation?
SAM: Where did you hear about lip augmentation?
VERN: Brandi. I took her to the movies last night and couldn't hear a damn thing over her yakking about lip augmentation.
SAM: Most would consider it a surgical process, various substances are approved for injection or other implantation in the lips to make them appear larger. I don't know the current procedures, but there were some problems with past procedures involving the use of certain silicone products.
VERN: Silicone...like bathroom caulking?
SAM: I haven't ever thought about it that way, but yes, it probably is similar to bathroom caulking.
VERN: Why would they do that?
SAM: To look more like Angelina Jolie.
VERN: They'll need more than bathroom caulking in their lips.SAM: True. Very true.
VERN: That elf princess on The Rings movie has nice lips.
SAM: Liv Tyler?
VERN: Yeah, that's her. And the actress in the Bond movie, Christmas something or other.
SAM: Denise Richards?
VERN: Yeah, those are nice lips.
SAM: I would call them luscious.
VERN: Luscious!?
SAM: Why not?
VERN: Luscious lips. Luscious lips are not made with bathroom caulking.
SAM: Nope, the best lips are made by nature.
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