Butt Out!

Not everyone was thrilled with the passage of Ohio's anti-smoking law. Even with the issue voted in there weren't many people who understood the new law or how to enforce it so law or no law, nothing much changed for Vern and his buddies until this weekend....

NANNY:
Land sakes, Vernon, I can't believe you haven't finished sewing your wild oats yet. I don't know how I'll ever show my face at the ladies auxiliary again. They was all a twitter about you fightin and hollerin and making a nuisance out of yourself at Donnie's last night.

VERN:
We wasn't sowing wild oats, we was exercising our right to pursue happiness. When ya can't smoke in a bar, there's something terrible wrong with the world.

NANNY:
Smoking is a filthy habit Vernon. It makes your breath smell and its addictive. Apparently you and your boys still think you're above the law! Bunch of hooligans.

VERN:
What the hell is all the commotion about smoking anyway? First we can't find any ash trays at the bar, then Donnie tells us we gotta smoke outside or he's gonna get fined. We smoke at the Legion all the time and nobodies cryin like a girl about fines.

SAM:
The Health Department started to enforce the smoking in public buildings ban. Since the Legion is a private club, it doesn't fall under the same rules as Donnie's. What happened last night?

NANNY:
Disgusting habit. Pappy tried to bring his cigars in the house once. I told him he could get that filthy weed right back onto the porch or there'd be no supper for him.

VERN:
Me and the boys had just settled Donnie down by taken up a collection to pay his fine. Brandi delivered our four foaming beers, we lit up and settled in for a good ole night of problem solvin and then that weasly faced, pencil necked, Gary Sinkletank from the Health Department marched himself over to our table.

NANNY:
I don't like to breath other people's cigarette smoke, I'm sure Gary don't like it either!

SAM:
What were you doing at Donnie's anyway, don't you guys usually do your "problem solving" over at the Legion?

VERN:
Water line broke at the Legion and it ain't fixed yet. I told 'em to let me do it but they said it had to be a professional job.

SAM:
So what happened? How'd you guys get rid of Gary?

VERN:
We tried ignorin him, but he kept on shakin that finger at us and then he started yellin in that girly falsetto voice of his "That's $100, I'm fining you for every puff, $200, $300..." He just kept gettin louder and louder then Buck caught sight of Donnie twitchin and shakin behind the bar, they's cousins you know, and we couldn't take no more. Me and Itchy picked him up and tossed him out the winder.

SAM:
Vern! That's assault!

VERN:
No it aint, Jigger opened the winder up first. Weasel face landed on the nice soft bushes right outside.

NANNY:
Shame on you and your wicked friends Vernon McFadden. Gary aint no bigger than a minute to begin with and now you've embarrassed him over a filthy, nasty habit you shouldn't have in the first place. Don't think I can't see you smokin over by the playground between Sunday School and Church, right in front of innocent children.

VERN:
Hey, now! I could quit smokin any time I wanted to and if its so bad how come they issued us cigarettes in the Army?

SAM:
Tobacco smoke contains nicotine, an addictive substance. And a lot of other dangerous chemicals like formaldehyde and hydrogen cyanide. And smoking causes or is suspect in a lot of other diseases and health problems such as lung cancer, other lung conditions, heart disease and other conditions of the veins increasing the risk of heart attacks and strokes. There is evidence that it can cause osteoporosis and other cancers. And these conditions can be caused by second hand smoke. Children of smokers are more likely to be smokers too. I read that several trillion cigarette butts are littered worldwide every year. In fact, cigarettes are the most littered item in America. And I believe that cigarette filters are made of cellulose acetate, so they can take decades to degrade.

NANNY:
Now Sam, That's what I said.