Sam Vern Hoot n Nanny

Sam Visits a New Winery

2008-04-21T05:47:00.000-07:00

VERN:
Where the hell were you last night?

SAM:
Portia and I went to the new winery for a tasting and we stopped in town for dinner.

VERN:
What new winery?

SAM:
The one in Egypt Valley.

NANNY:
Why didn't you bring Portia here for dinner?

HOOT:
Wait, wait, there's an Egypt Valley around here?

SAM:
It was too late to come here for dinner and Egypt Valley is near the interstate, not really nearby.

NANNY:
I like Portia, it would be nice if you invited her to come here more often.

VERN:
How was the wine?

SAM:
Part of their vineyard is unusually located, the soils and rapid run-off of precipitation create favorable conditions for some of the hardy disease resistant French-American varieties that produce wines similar to those of the older European vinifera varieties.

VERN:
What did he say?

NANNY:
He said he liked the wine. Weren't you listening?

SAM:
I'll invite Portia for dinner, I think Hoot would like her.

HOOT:
I don't believe it, we really do live beyond friggin Egypt.

Meeting Anton

2008-04-20T08:56:00.000-07:00

While Hoot's boyfriend has become practically family over the months they've been dating, the first time Sam, Vern and Nanny met him sparked quite a conversation:

SAM:
She'll be walking in the door any minute Vern, I really don't think you should mention the boyfriend. Girls at this age are very sensitive.

HOOT:
Hi everybody! What are you all doing up?

VERN:
Hoot, what the hell was with that boy tonight?

HOOT:
Anton? Oh he's goth, so creative. Didn't you think he was cool?

NANNY:
He had calico hair. I didn't know people could be calico.

VERN:
What does Anton do when it's cold? He couldn't button his damn shirt with all those chains!

HOOT:
The chains come off, Vern. Jeez.

VERN:
In the army we used chains to hold things down. Were those chains holding Anton's head on?

NANNY:
Calico cats are all female, I just don't know?

HOOT:
Nanny! Don't be so lame, he dyes his hair!

VERN:
With that chain hooked from his ear to his belly button, one sneeze would rip that boys ears right off.

NANNY
Hair dye? He's too young to have grey hair. Does he have some condition with his eyes?

HOOT
No Nanny! That's not a condition it's eyeliner. Don't you people have anything else to talk about?

VERN
I didn't look at Anton's eyes, all I saw was rings and chains, ghost white skin and black everything else. That was...

NANNY
...right strange Vern, that boy looks like something out of one of them spook movies. Does he dress like that for school? I can't believe he would be allowed to dress that way for school.

HOOT
I can't believe this! Sam, are you just going to sit there, or do you have some nasty comment to contribute?

VERN
Yeah, go ahead Sam, tell her that she's dating a freak of nature. Never see that kind of nonsense in THIS man's army.

NANNY
Now, Vernon, freak is a little harsh.

SAM
Actually, Hoot, I feel that Anton is a, perhaps extreme, example of various ongoing societal phenomena, a consequence of a subconscious awareness of the lack of venues for creative self-expression and of peer group pressure to conform. It's unfortunate that rebellion is so often stereotypical too, it's Ecclesiastical. The Goth subculture is quite interesting, growing and evolving from the post Punk subculture in the United Kingdom.

VERN
WHAT did he say?

HOOT
He said: of all the freaking people in all the freaking subcultures of the world, Army Dude, YOU most of all should recognize a fellow rebel when you meet one.

VERN
Where the hell does Anton buy that stuff?

HOOT
I just hope you know that you all suck.

Vern Takes the Twins for a Ride

2008-04-18T06:47:00.000-07:00

HOOT:
Why did you get a ticket?

NANNY:
It's my fault, I told Vern he needed some spring spirit.

SAM:
Vern's never been too excited about the change in seasons.

VERN:
I didn't need no damn spring spirit, I was just fine.

NANNY:
Well you just don't seem happy like a person should. The sun is finally shining, the snow has all melted and you're all gloomy.

VERN:
NOW I have a reason to be gloomy.

HOOT:
But why did you get a ticket?

NANNY:
Vern took Jack and Jake with him in the flatbed to get a rhododendron bush for that bare corner by the barn...

HOOT:
What happened to Jack and Jake!

VERN:
Jack and Jake are just fine, nothing happened to no one; cept me, I got a ticket cause the twins wasn't in car seats.

HOOT:
Judy has car seats for them.

VERN:
There's no good way to put them seats in that old truck. I figured if I was gonna have to rig a way to put the seats in I might as well rig a way to fasten in Jack and Jake.

HOOT:
Car seats are made to hold children.

VERN:
I didn't need no damn car seats! I got bungee cords. I told Joey them bungee cords was just as good as car seats. He said the twins could get outta the bungee cords so I told him to try. He couldn't get'em out and then he said maybe that was even more dangerous and wrote out a ticket.

SAM:
The momentum of child in a vehicle traveling at 30 mph is considerable. The effects of a sudden stop are comparable to falling from a three-story building. The consequent injuries can be cranial trauma, permanent debilitating brain injury, even epilepsy.

VERN:
What did he say?

NANNY:
He said next time use the car seats.

VERN:
I still think it's damn stupid, they're three years old, they shouldn't need no baby seats and them boys couldn't a been any safer. That old truck's built as good as a Humvee and rides nicer.

HOOT:
The law is the law Uncle Vern.

VERN:
I'm probably gonna have to pay two fines cause there's two of'em.

Unhappy Hour

2008-04-17T08:10:00.000-07:00

HOOT
An Unhappy Hour? Why is The Legion having an Unhappy Hour down at Donnie's?

ANTON
All of the hours are unhappy.

VERN
At first, we was doing it at The Legion to raise money to pay a lawyer cause me and some of the guys tossed that Gary out the window at Donnie's.

HOOT
But Nanny said those charges were dropped.

VERN
Yup.

HOOT
So why are you having it?

VERN
Cause that weaselly faced, pencil...

NANNY
Vernon! Enough!

VERN
...Gary came and inspected The Legion and said the septic wasn't good enough and has to be replaced.

ANTON
Life is all about shit.

VERN
Yes it is. Then he ordered The Legion shut down.

ANTON
Thus The Legion guys are Unhappy.

HOOT
Thus? You've been hanging out with Sam too much Anton.

NANNY
You boys have nobody to blame but yourselves. I'm sure Gary would have turned a blind eye to that old septic tank if you hadn't TOSSED HIM IN THE BUSHES!

VERN
Not our fault the little weasel can't take a joke. Anyhow, we need to raise enough money to put in a new septic system.

HOOT
I don't understand why Donnie would help, doesn't The Legion compete with his bar?

VERN
That's true! I wonder why is Donnie helping?

ANTON
Cause there are lots more people at Donnie's when you and your guys aren't there Vern.

Butt Out!

2008-04-16T03:27:00.000-07:00

Not everyone was thrilled with the passage of Ohio's anti-smoking law. Even with the issue voted in there weren't many people who understood the new law or how to enforce it so law or no law, nothing much changed for Vern and his buddies until this weekend....

NANNY:
Land sakes, Vernon, I can't believe you haven't finished sewing your wild oats yet. I don't know how I'll ever show my face at the ladies auxiliary again. They was all a twitter about you fightin and hollerin and making a nuisance out of yourself at Donnie's last night.

VERN:
We wasn't sowing wild oats, we was exercising our right to pursue happiness. When ya can't smoke in a bar, there's something terrible wrong with the world.

NANNY:
Smoking is a filthy habit Vernon. It makes your breath smell and its addictive. Apparently you and your boys still think you're above the law! Bunch of hooligans.

VERN:
What the hell is all the commotion about smoking anyway? First we can't find any ash trays at the bar, then Donnie tells us we gotta smoke outside or he's gonna get fined. We smoke at the Legion all the time and nobodies cryin like a girl about fines.

SAM:
The Health Department started to enforce the smoking in public buildings ban. Since the Legion is a private club, it doesn't fall under the same rules as Donnie's. What happened last night?

NANNY:
Disgusting habit. Pappy tried to bring his cigars in the house once. I told him he could get that filthy weed right back onto the porch or there'd be no supper for him.

VERN:
Me and the boys had just settled Donnie down by taken up a collection to pay his fine. Brandi delivered our four foaming beers, we lit up and settled in for a good ole night of problem solvin and then that weasly faced, pencil necked, Gary Sinkletank from the Health Department marched himself over to our table.

NANNY:
I don't like to breath other people's cigarette smoke, I'm sure Gary don't like it either!

SAM:
What were you doing at Donnie's anyway, don't you guys usually do your "problem solving" over at the Legion?

VERN:
Water line broke at the Legion and it ain't fixed yet. I told 'em to let me do it but they said it had to be a professional job.

SAM:
So what happened? How'd you guys get rid of Gary?

VERN:
We tried ignorin him, but he kept on shakin that finger at us and then he started yellin in that girly falsetto voice of his "That's $100, I'm fining you for every puff, $200, $300..." He just kept gettin louder and louder then Buck caught sight of Donnie twitchin and shakin behind the bar, they's cousins you know, and we couldn't take no more. Me and Itchy picked him up and tossed him out the winder.

SAM:
Vern! That's assault!

VERN:
No it aint, Jigger opened the winder up first. Weasel face landed on the nice soft bushes right outside.

NANNY:
Shame on you and your wicked friends Vernon McFadden. Gary aint no bigger than a minute to begin with and now you've embarrassed him over a filthy, nasty habit you shouldn't have in the first place. Don't think I can't see you smokin over by the playground between Sunday School and Church, right in front of innocent children.

VERN:
Hey, now! I could quit smokin any time I wanted to and if its so bad how come they issued us cigarettes in the Army?

SAM:
Tobacco smoke contains nicotine, an addictive substance. And a lot of other dangerous chemicals like formaldehyde and hydrogen cyanide. And smoking causes or is suspect in a lot of other diseases and health problems such as lung cancer, other lung conditions, heart disease and other conditions of the veins increasing the risk of heart attacks and strokes. There is evidence that it can cause osteoporosis and other cancers. And these conditions can be caused by second hand smoke. Children of smokers are more likely to be smokers too. I read that several trillion cigarette butts are littered worldwide every year. In fact, cigarettes are the most littered item in America. And I believe that cigarette filters are made of cellulose acetate, so they can take decades to degrade.

NANNY:
Now Sam, That's what I said.

Cell Phones on The Farm

2008-01-28T18:32:00.000-08:00

SAM - I decided, Hoot needs a cell phone.

HOOT - I do need a cell phone.

NANNY - Why does Hoot need a cell phone?

SAM - She's out more since Anton started driving and I thought it was important for us to be able to contact her and so that she can call us if she has to.

HOOT - And everyone has cell phones, I can talk to all of my friends whenever I want.

VERN - Yeah, but that means all of your friends can talk to you whenever they want, what if you don't want to talk with them?

HOOT - There's caller ID on cell phones, I can see who's calling and not answer.

VERN - Then they can see when you're calling and not answer.

HOOT - They will answer when I call.

VERN - But what if they don't.

HOOT - Because maybe they can't answer just then.

NANNY - Stop bickering! Hoot, Vern's just looking to aggravate you. I think that's a wonderful idea Sam.

SAM - So I did some research.

VERN - Of course.

SAM - Research is generally better than impulse Vern. Consideration had to be given to the distance from the various cell towers in relation to our location here on the farm. There was the base price of each phone versus each companies single, double or group plans. Minutes used versus a flat or variable rate. The necesity for various features like text messaging, caller ID, photo capabilities as compared to the needs of each of the various users. Thus, I bought a plan that seems to work best around here.

VERN - What did he say?

HOOT - He shopped around and found some phones. When do I get my phone?

SAM - In just a moment.

HOOT - You have it now? Give it to me.

SAM - Yes I have it now, let me finish explaining.

HOOT - What's there to explain?

SAM - I guess you're right, there's nothing to explain except that I got four of them, one for each of us.

VERN - I don't need a cell phone Sam.

NANNY - I don't know what I would do with one either. Save the money and take mine back.

SAM - They didn't cost anything, I bought one and got three more free.

HOOT - OK, that's enough explaining, I need one, so just give me my phone. I can't wait to call Anton.

Sleep Debt

2008-01-27T18:35:00.000-08:00

VERN - What the hell is a sleep debt?

HOOT - It's when you don't get enough sleep over a long time.

VERN - So what's Anton been doing that he isn't sleeping?

HOOT - He's been chatting on his computer until late every night and his Mom gets him up early.

NANNY - When did Anton get a computer that can talk?

HOOT - No, it's like a telephone on the computer but you type messages instead of talking.

NANNY - Well that seems like it would take a forever, why not just use the telephone?

HOOT - Because you don't have to pay long distance to chat on the computer.

VERN - So who does Anton chat with?

HOOT - With me a lot until I go to bed and he's made friends all over the world.

NANNY - Well, if he's chatting with you it wouldn't be long distance to call. It certainly makes more sense for him to use the telephone.

HOOT - But he can chat with many people at the same time.

VERN - Boy needs to chat less and sleep more. Why the hell does he chat with you? He sees you every day at school and he's here every day too.

SAM - There's considerable debate among scientists about sleep debt. I believe it exists. Most people think that when you miss an hour of sleep all you have to do is sleep an extra hour another time. However, for each hour of lost sleep there's another hour of wakefulness. One actually has to sleep about an hour and twenty minutes to an hour and thirty minutes for each hour of lost sleep. Thus, one who routinely sleeps just six hours a night during the week and requires eight hours should probably sleep twelve to fourteen hours a night on the weekends. Further, someone with a long standing chronic habit of sleeping too few hours may need to take a vacation to get enough extra sleep to repay their sleep debt.

VERN - What did he say?

HOOT - He said leave Anton alone, it's OK if he takes a nap in the TV room.

You Gettin' Lippy?

2008-01-26T07:50:00.000-08:00

VERN: What the hell is lip augmentation?

SAM: Where did you hear about lip augmentation?

VERN: Brandi. I took her to the movies last night and couldn't hear a damn thing over her yakking about lip augmentation.

SAM: Most would consider it a surgical process, various substances are approved for injection or other implantation in the lips to make them appear larger. I don't know the current procedures, but there were some problems with past procedures involving the use of certain silicone products.

VERN: Silicone...like bathroom caulking?

SAM: I haven't ever thought about it that way, but yes, it probably is similar to bathroom caulking.

VERN: Why would they do that?

SAM: To look more like Angelina Jolie.

VERN: They'll need more than bathroom caulking in their lips.

SAM: True. Very true.

VERN: That elf princess on The Rings movie has nice lips.

SAM: Liv Tyler?

VERN: Yeah, that's her. And the actress in the Bond movie, Christmas something or other.

SAM: Denise Richards?

VERN: Yeah, those are nice lips.

SAM: I would call them luscious.

VERN: Luscious!?

SAM: Why not?

VERN: Luscious lips. Luscious lips are not made with bathroom caulking.

SAM: Nope, the best lips are made by nature.

The Enlightenment of Reverend Marvel

2007-10-15T18:30:00.000-07:00

Nanny finds her joy in keeping the farm running and taking care of the family. She doesn't have time for TV or riding into the city for movies, but she does look forward to the annual tent revival on the town square. She's spent the last year ticking the days off the calendar in anticipation of this year's revival hosted by her favorite evangelist, the Reverend Moses Marvel. The first night of this five day event was tonight:

VERN: Ah, come on Nanny, you got to admit that was the most excitement we've seen around town for a coon's age. Quit slamming those pots around and admit it.

NANNY: You better just shut your mouth Vernon or I'll smite you from here to next week.

HOOT: What's the matter Nanny? Uncle Vern, what did you do to Nanny!

SAM: What's going on? How was the tent revival?

NANNY: Well Sam, Why don't you ask your good for nothing, hyena faced Uncle?

VERN: For the first time ever I'm glad I was there.

NANNY: It was disgraceful. Everyone laughed except me and Agnes. I just don't know what's happened to the world, what's happened to good manners and respect for men of the cloth?

HOOT: Will somebody tells us what happened at the revival?

VERN: Well, we got there early, like Nanny wanted. I had to help Agnes to their seats in the front row, you know how slow that old relic walks. You'd think someone shot HER foot off. By the time I got back to the truck some jackass had it blocked in,and by the time I walked back to the tent to find the guy, the singin had already started.

NANNY: Rev. Marvel started right off with Christ Arose, near made the hair stand up on my arms, his voice is just that clear and deep.

VERN: Just as they belted out Hallelujah Christ Arose this big banner rolled down from the top of the water tower, smack dab in the spot lights. It said "Bong Hits for Jesus". "Bong" was right over Reverend Marvel's head.

NANNY: Half naked boys up there, whistling and shouting and pointing at their poorly lettered sign. It was shameful and then that Mary Peterson got the giggles.

VERN: And you know how Mary Peterson is, she gets that snort going when she laughs. Didn't take long before everyone was laughing.

NANNY: Not me and Agnes!

HOOT: Oh no, this sounds like something Anton would think of, he wasn't up there was he?

VERN: Hell Hoot, Anton won't even wear shorts, much less take his shirt off. Looked like the Hendershot brothers and that Cooter Woods.

HOOT: What happened then, Nanny?

NANNY: The Reverend couldn't understand why everyone stopped singin and were pointing up at the choir. He turned around, saw that sign from hell, dropped his microphone and marched right back to the miracle bus with all his people trailin' right behind.

VERN: The old charlatan took off so fast that rug he wears on his head tipped right over his eyes.

HOOT: Was everything on the sign spelled right? If it was it couldn't have been Cooter...maybe Junior Simples, he likes to climb the water tower.

NANNY: I don't care who they were, I'm just glad the Sheriff caught them. I so wanted to hear Reverend Marvel, he hasn't preached a tent meeting close enough for me to go to in years. I was so proud that he would see the improvements we made to the park.

SAM: Nanny, how much DID you donate to the Jaycees to help pay for the lights on the water tower?

NANNY: I wanted everyone to see the new water tower, running water is a blessing. Only those who remember not having it understand.

SAM: That's a good point Nanny, too many of us don't recognize our luxuries and privileges. Clean, running water is a great benefit, most people on the planet don't have it. And the boys who put up the banner copied their sign from the one in the Supreme court case last year.

HOOT: Ooh, like that's a surprise! As if anyone around here has ever had an original idea.

NANNY: We had a perfect view of that water tower until those boys got in the way. I just don't know why everyone found half naked teenagers so darn funny. Agnes and I certainly didn't see anything funny about those skinny hooligans. There's a time and place for everything and if those boys wanted to tell everyone about their bongo drums for Jesus, they shoulda done it with some dignity.

HOOT: Nanny, you and Agnes don't know what a bong is, do you?

Late By GPS

2007-09-27T05:21:00.000-07:00

NANNY: I've never been so late for anything. Why did you go that way?

SAM: We were late for the appointment, but there was no harm, the Doctor wasn't ready for you until just after we got there.

NANNY: Vern would have got me there on time. Vern knows that 15 minutes early is on time and on time is LATE! Made me miss hearing about Lurilines grandchildren in the waiting room.

SAM: The GPS provides the most direct route between locations Nanny, it's a technological miracle.

NANNY: Might be the most direct way, but it certainly ain't the quickest. Only a fool goes down route 26 during hay season. Lady in that box doesn't even speak American.

SAM: We would have been there early if not for the hay wagons, that's true. The GPS voice has an English accent. I think it sounds cultured.

NANNY: Everyone knows not to use that road on a sunny day during hay season. Besides, we don't need that GPS thing for trips up to the city, been driving there for twenty years, it's ridiculous.

SAM: Local common knowledge does have value. Perhaps there's a way to add such data to navigation systems. But then again, much of it would be unnecessary. How many travelers would use it. Sometimes technology is extraneous.

NANNY: That's what I said!

Use Your Words - Correctly

2007-09-24T12:23:00.000-07:00

SAM: What are you doing Nanny?

NANNY: I'm making picket signs. Do you know that the library is trying to BAN BOOKS? I couldn't believe it, they got 'em all stacked up on a table right in front of the WINDOW...

SAM: Nanny, wait, I think you've misunderstood....

NANNY: Bet that idiot friend of Vern's is behind this - looks like they're preparing to set them books alight. You wouldn't believe the books they have on that table: the Harry Potter series! Judy couldn't get her boys to read so much as the back of a cereal box till that Harry Potter came along. Now them boys are readin' everything they can get their hands on...

SAM: ...if you'll just let me explain...

NANNY: Shameful! Just shameful what they're doin down at the library. The Bluest Eye, Huckleberry Finn, Lord of the Flies, James and the Giant Peach? What kind of knucklehead thinks Where's Waldo is dangerous readin'? Must be those tight buns the librarians wear, made 'em crazy as bed bugs and dumb as fence posts. We got free speech in this country! Your very own Uncle lost a foot insuring that freedom and don't even get me started on the rest of your relatives, Sam. McFadden men have been fighting for our right to read or write whatever we want since the Revolutionary War. No damn librarian is gonna ban a book while I have breath left in me!

SAM: Nanny! Just Stop! The Library isn't banning books, they're celebrating Banned Books Week, it's an opportunity for the public to see the books people TRY to ban or challenge and to celebrate the fact that no matter how much people would like to censor our reading, they can't. According to the American Library Association: Banned Books Week (BBW) celebrates the freedom to choose or the freedom to express one's opinion even if that opinion might be considered unorthodox or unpopular. Those books are up on that table as examples, that's all.

Well, Nanny, are you going to say something?

NANNY: Seems to me that a bunch of people what makes their living on words ougta have a better name for celebratin books than Banned Books Week. But what do I know?

Under Construction!

2007-07-08T15:36:00.000-07:00

Sam, Vern, Hoot, Nanny, Anton and the rest of our family from the Farm in BFE have gone on hiatus to discuss just how to proceed with Sam's social experiment on their family. Then there's that little problem with the FBI...no matter, look for more adventures coming this Fall 2007.